Bereavement and loss may be one of the most difficult feelings we ever have to face. When a person close to us is dying or dies, there is a grieving process and it is normal for recovery to be slow and painful. For many of us, cultural changes have resulted in death becoming a taboo subject, no longer talked about, so when the inveitable happens we are often not equipped to deal with either our own or other people's reactions.

Common Reactions

Feelings - Shock, numbness and helplessness are very common at first. These can later give way to overwhelming feelings of sadness. We will feel much more vulnerable than usual and may experience unexpected emotions such as relief, anger, guilt, or we may worry about breaking down in public. Such feelings are not uncommon but may take us by surprise and may be difficult to deal with.

Thoughts - The numbness we feel may lead us to cut off from the things around us, and we may become confused, absent-minded and unable to concentrate for very long. Disbelief at what has happened, obsessional thoughts or images of the deceased, even visual or auditory hallucinations can be experienced. All these symptoms are quite common in the early stages of grief and usually disappear after a while. If they do persist it can be helpful to talk to someone who understands the process of grieving and can offer support for the anxiety aroused by such experiences.

Physical Reactions - Some people experience emotional pain in a much more physical way, tightness in the chest, a hollow empty feeling in the pit of the stomach, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, or a heavy and overwhelming fatigue. We may find ourselves wandering about aimlessly, or searching for the lost loved one.

The Grieving Process

Denial and Shock - at first, it may be difficult to accept the death of the person, and as a result, deny the reality. When we lose something we tend to search for it and searching is a common reaction to bereavement. we may think we see the person who has died walking down the street, or may hear them call our name. Such vivid experiences can be very alarming, but are not unusual. However, as the shock and denial gradually diminish other feelings will start to emerge and along with the pain and sadness there may also be:

Anger - a common question is "Why me?" We may feel angry at what we perceive to be the injustice of the death and this may cause us to displace the anger onto others such as close friends, relatives, the medical profession, God or even the person who has died. It may be easier to be angry with someone or something rather than acknowledge how abandoned we feel.

Bargaining and Guilt - If someone we love is terminally ill we may try to bargain with some sort of deity, offering something in exchange for the dying person. We may torment ourselves with the idea that we failed to do something; "If only I'd been there/done more/not said/visited more often..." When death comes we may feel relieved for ourselves as well as for the loved one. Such feelings can lead to confusion and guilt.

Depression - Inevitably at first there is a great sense of loss; this may be followed by mood fluctuations, feeling depressed, isolation and withdrawal. This is perfectly natural; it takes time to recover. Encouragement and reassurance from well-meaning friends may not always be experienced as helpful; often time is needed to just be with ourselves.

Loneliness - After a while we may think we should be 'getting over' some of the feelings associated with bereavement and this can make it difficult for us to speak to friends or relatives about the loss; this may lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation.

Factors that may hinder the resolution of grief.

Sometimes there are particularly traumatic circumstances surrounding the death of someone close to us. This may be in the manner of their death or maybe a difficulty we had in our relationship with the person who had died. Some of us experience a number of losses without the time or support to mourn and each new loss just adds to the burden of unresolved grief.

Factors that may help the resolution of grief.

• Talking to someone we trust and feel safe enough with to express feelings.
• Trying not to shut out the emotions with overwork, alcohol, drugs or other avoiding behaviours.
• Being patient with ourselves, allowing time to make the necessary adjustments to the new situation.
• Talking to a counsellor, especially if feelings are confusing and overwhelming.