Marriage Guidance - Relationship Counselling
What Is Relationship Counselling?
When there are difficulties in a relationship, couples are often too close to the situation to find a solution. Some people turn to their friends or family first when things go wrong or they are in crisis. This can be very helpful and supportive but it is often difficult for people who are also close to the situation to be detached. It may also be hard to talk about some intimate issues.
In couple counselling the partners’ get a chance to look below the surface of their problems and focus on the deeper issues which may lie behind them.
Far too many couples leave counselling until it's too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt blocks out any chance of change.
If you're experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counselling:
- When you talk to your partner, it feels as though you're hitting a brick wall.
- Your conversations just go round and round in never-ending circles.
- After you've talked, you feel frustrated and confused.
- You can't talk for more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.
- You're afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, things will get even worse.
- There's nothing left to say.
Together or alone?
Ideally, you should go to counselling together: it's hard to build a team if only half the players are there. Often, if one person makes the decision to give counselling a try, the partner will decide to go too.
If your partner flatly refuses to join you, there are lots of things counselling can help you sort out on your own. There may be changes you can make alone that will have a positive impact on your relationship. Some people also prefer to have counselling on their own at first to work out their feelings before seeing another counsellor as a couple.
What will happen?
All counsellors have their own styles and ways of working, broadly speaking as your counsellor, I will help you to work through the following three steps:
- Exploring your story - the nature of the problems and what impact they're having on you and your relationship. The history of how the problems arose and what changes you'd like to see.
- Understanding your story - why you're struggling with these problems and the things that may be preventing you from overcoming them.
- Rewriting your story - finding the strengths and resources to resolve your difficulties, or at least make them more bearable.
How does counselling work?
First and foremost, counselling works by giving you the chance to be heard. As your counsellor I will give you all the time you need to talk, sob, shout or just think. It's an opportunity to look at the problem in a different way with someone who'll respect and encourage your opinions and decisions.
For many couples, the solution is right under their noses - it just takes someone objective to see what it is. It's like the saying "You can't see the wood for the trees" - counsellors are trained wood-spotters!
Who's it for?
Couple counselling is available for married and unmarried couples, straight or gay.
What's involved?
Counselling usually consists of weekly, or fortnightly, 60 minute sessions, to identify the key issues and discuss the feelings and expectations you have about your problem. Sometimes 'homework' assignments will be given. There is no set number of sessions, counselling continues for as long as we both think it is beneficial.
Although I prefer to see you as a couple together, it's not unusual for one partner to attend the first, or subsequent, sessions alone.
To give couple counselling the best chance of success the people involved need to be committed to the process.In practice, this means you need to be interested in the process and not participating solely for your partner's sake. It also means turning up to appointments and trying out any action agreed during the session.
How Much Does It Cost?
For a full range of fees and discounts please visit the
"Fees and Services" section of this website.
When things fall apart
While couple counsellors can help some people understand their problems and work at staying together, other partnerships are beyond saving. How a relationship ends can have a huge impact on your self esteem and the success of future relationships.
It can be very difficult to separate without argument and acrimony but, however bad things get, couples with children need to find a way of being joint parents, and counselling can help. Couples who have undergone counselling often separate with less bitterness. Ending a relationship as well as possible will also help both partners move on.