Assertiveness

When you are feeling happy and contented, your relationships are working well, the sun is shining, the sky is blue and life isn't bad; who needs assertiveness training? But how do you react when people:

• Shout at you.
• Blame you for something you didn't do.
• Interrupt you.
• Make comments to put you down.
• Keep you waiting or turn up late.
• Give you bad customer service.

Being Assertive enables you to:

• Deal with difficult situations.
• Communicate more effectively.
• Find an acceptable outcome.
• Build your self esteem.
• Build honest and open relationships.

The Perception of Assertiveness

Assertiveness receives a lot of publicity, some good, some bad, and some misleading; so many people have very mixed feelings about it. However, your ability to assert yourself affects everything else you do and don't do, from day to day activities to major life decisions. So it's important to understand what it is and what you want to do with it.

Assertiveness is about dealing with your feelings. Being assertive is simply the ability to say we we want or need, or what we don't. It is being able to communicate appropriately in a direct, open and honest way.

Being assertive doesn't guarantee you a particular outcome but if the process is followed it usually makes you feel that speaking up for yourself and expressing your feelings was worthwhile.

By behaving assertively

• Your self confidence increases.
• You are properly understood.
• Other people know exactly where they are with you.
• You are more open to receiving feedback.
• Your relationships are based on reality rather than illusion.
• You stand a better chance of getting what you want.
• You feel better for expressing your feelings.
• You have few situations that are unresolved.
• Even if you do not resolve a situation, you feel better for having tried.

Assertive behaviour is based on a number of rights and these are:

1. I have the right to state my own needs and to set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.
2. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
3. I have the right to express my feelings.
4. I have the right to express my opinions and values.
5. I have the right to say 'yes' or 'no' for myself.
6. I have the right to make mistakes.
7. I have the right to change my mind.
8. I have the right to say that I don't understand.
9. I have the right to ask for what I want.
10. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.
11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.
12. Other people have the right to all of the above.

Five steps to assertive behaviour

1. Be very specific - don't waffle or try and deal with ten things at once.
2. Describe the behavior that you find upsetting, rather than having a go at the person - "when you put me down in front of our friends".
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3. Say how this affects you and how you feel - "I feel hurt and angry".
4. Say what you would like to happen next - "and I would like you to consider my feelings and how it affects me and not do it again".
5. Consider the consequences - "if this continues to happen I would rather we didn't go out together with friends". Do not ever state consequences if you don't intend to carry them out otherwise your words are useless.